Two new gardeners have started work at an old house and as they clear an area of garden they discover an old well shaft. Being curious, they look down it and are surprised to find they can't see the bottom. So they drop a couple of rocks down the hole and listen... Nothing. One of them says, "That's a deep hole!"
Thinking they might hear something larger hit the bottom, they see a big, old broken concrete bollard lying nearby and with great difficulty roll it over the side. They pause and listen intently... They hear a sound, but it is coming from behind them! They quickly turn around to see a German Shepherd bearing down on them with it head lowered, flying along, its feet barely touching the ground, it's moving so fast!
The two gardeners dive out of its way just in time and the dog races past them, and jumps into the well.
Just then the house owner appears and one gardener asks; "You dont happen to have an aggressive German Shepherd do you?"
The owner laughs and says ; "Aggressive? No! We do have an old German Shepherd, but all she does these days is sleep in the sun. Why do you ask?"
The men then tell what happened at the well and how they narrowly avoided death in the hole from the speeding dog.
The owner scratches his chin and said, "Well, I don't think that was my dog. You see, my dog is really old and crippled with arthritis. There is no way she could have been moving that fast. Besides, I have her tied to a big, heavy, old concrete bollard."
A burglar is robbing a house when all of a sudden a voice comes out of the darkness;
"Jesus is watching".
Startled the burglar shines his torch around the room. He see's a parrot sitting on a perch and walks over to it.
The parrot repeats "Jesus is watching".
The burglar replies "Polly want a cracker?".
The parrot says "my name isn't Polly... it's Moses"
The burglar says"what kind of a moron names a parrot Moses".
The parrot replies "the same moron that named the Doberman Jesus...... "
A man took his young Rottweiler dog to the vet and said,
"I think my dog is cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet "let's have a look at him" and with some effort lifted the dog up and looked at his eyes.
"O.K." says the vet "I'm going to have to put him down."
Devastated the man replies "Just because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's heavy," says the vet.....
When we heard this joke the other day it made us smile so we thought that we would share it!
Your Duck is Dead--
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150.."